What If

What if someone is hiding something from me? One of my parents hid money and secrets from the other parent. They were married. My parents were together for a long time and it ended as jaggedly as it is possible to end a relationship.

I got married. What if my partner hides something from me?

What if I find a box somewhere that has something terrifying inside?
What if I find out they never really loved me and I’m just a cover story?
What if I miss all the warning signs?
What if I am in denial?
What if I never write anything good again?
What if I am an awful person?
What if I take people for granted?
What if I feel guilty?
What if I never learn to let it go?
What if I itch off all my skin?
What if I am responsible?
What if I make a bad decision?
What if I buy something that’s too expensive?
What if I have a panic attack?
What if I’m the problem?
What if I never get better?

My narcissistic tendencies to blame myself for everything is just another way to cope with not being in control of what’s happening to me. Things are out of control. I don’t know what’s going to happen. People are allowed to deceive me and hurt me. I am not perfect and I do not have to be in order to live.

One of my parents was a narcissist. Someday, What If I will be free from their effects on me?

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3 thoughts on “What If

  1. Hi Chloe. Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) affects the amygdala’s empathy center, which also happens to be where your fight, flight, or freeze (f-cubed) happens. While you may have moments of what you feel is NPD it may very well be healthy, but it sounds like one of your parents has actual NPD. I would suggest watching YouTube videos on NPD parents to clarify your role (empath/scapegoat, apath/Golden Child). When I read this blog http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html everything about my own mother clicked. I wouldn’t worry too much about developing NPD because people who have it use it to their advantage and rarely seek help, which it sounds like you’re doing. For what it’s worth, bravery helps. Don’t be afraid of your memories. Someone once told me that if I can survive the abuse I can survive the recovery 😉 Much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate the links and the supportive words. I know that the one parent who was responsible for the abuse was diagnosed with NPD. While I am genetically similar to them (which worries me), I have been actively fighting to learn a different way of relating to people.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Keep telling yourself, “I’ll be fine” until you believe it, because the parent – who is still inside your head – made you believe you won’t be fine, and your “mental parent” needs to be put in check. You’re just the girl to do it 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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