I despised my body because it went through something so vile. I still deal with the effects of this. I haven’t quite worked it all out yet.

I hated my body for being so weak. I hated that it was able to be abused. I blamed my own skin for being permeable. I blamed my holes for being penetrate-able. I am angry at my voice for being powerless. I am pissed at myself for being so damaged. I am angry at myself for “allowing” someone else to have so much influence in my life. I am angry that my psyche wasn’t stronger and more resilient to withstand this abuse without all these ill-effects.

What’s wrong with me?

I am so angry that I am not perfect. That I am human. That I am permeable. That people don’t treat me with respect. That there exists in the universe beings who are able to treat other beings with such cruelty. Not such cruelty…Just Cruelty. Period.

I remember always having a hair-trigger for anything that smacked of child abuse. Neglect and Other Terribles: Either by a parent, a system, a prison, a nanny, a teacher, a sibling, really any time a child’s powerlessness is exploited. It makes me so angry that children are perfect targets because of that same powerlessness. Really this just comes back to me and how I sometimes succumb to the lie that I’m to blame for my own abuse. I was (and still am) puzzled by the responses (and non-responses) from other people when they hear or see abuse (AKA life?) playing out in front of them. I still don’t quite get it. I know it’s a survival thing to not care about everything they see.

But just because we don’t know how to fix it doesn’t mean it’s not wrong.

I wonder at the responses adults (I qualify as one, which is a little weird to me) have to complicated and seemingly-unfixable situations: We have no idea what to do and so instead of something we do nothing. More specifically, we do whatever it takes to obscure that uncomfortable situation from our view. We get really good at this.

It makes the narcissists job much easier. You don’t really want to see it. You don’t want to be needed to confront an ugly abuse situation. You don’t want to sacrifice yourself to believe women/children/the powerless because it will discredit you too. You don’t want to talk about knotty social issues because of what you see happening to people who do. Humans are so frustrating. Are we all terrible? Are we all good?




7 thoughts on “Puzzled

  1. Major fail. I hate my fat fingers. I really hate where the send button is because my fat finger finds it before I am finished the post. Give me a few minutes to fix something for hubby and I will finish.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kein Stress! Don’t worry! Mistakes are no big deal here.
      I am a big believer in acceptance and looking for what someone is trying to say. Even on the internet, I find it makes language and cultural barriers less obstructing. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi there. You are a super bad ass! You rock AND you rule.
    I just found your blog and this is the first I have read.
    You have a powerful voice and a powerful story to tell. I am going to start at the beginning and go through chronologically in just a little while.
    First off, I am so proud of you for letting a follower

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Darling, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that – and then to have it flash before you again. Someone told me once that if I could survive the abuse I can survive the recovery. You are a badass. They are the weak ones who expect you to shoulder their transgressions. Remember that. Much love to you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I feel like I have to do something hard right now. Pet names like darling are generally not my thing. They make me feel strange because people have used them to make me feel small. I know that you are not using it that way, and that you are being kind and generous, but I have to assert that I don’t like being gendered or pet-named. It is important that I let you know this because I am trying to value myself and my preferences. It’s an important piece of my recovery. I appreciate your kindness and I hope that you understand why I say these things. And by all means, keep calling me a badass! 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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