I despised my body because it went through something so vile. I still deal with the effects of this. I haven’t quite worked it all out yet.
I hated my body for being so weak. I hated that it was able to be abused. I blamed my own skin for being permeable. I blamed my holes for being penetrate-able. I am angry at my voice for being powerless. I am pissed at myself for being so damaged. I am angry at myself for “allowing” someone else to have so much influence in my life. I am angry that my psyche wasn’t stronger and more resilient to withstand this abuse without all these ill-effects.
What’s wrong with me?
I am so angry that I am not perfect. That I am human. That I am permeable. That people don’t treat me with respect. That there exists in the universe beings who are able to treat other beings with such cruelty. Not such cruelty…Just Cruelty. Period.
I remember always having a hair-trigger for anything that smacked of child abuse. Neglect and Other Terribles: Either by a parent, a system, a prison, a nanny, a teacher, a sibling, really any time a child’s powerlessness is exploited. It makes me so angry that children are perfect targets because of that same powerlessness. Really this just comes back to me and how I sometimes succumb to the lie that I’m to blame for my own abuse. I was (and still am) puzzled by the responses (and non-responses) from other people when they hear or see abuse (AKA life?) playing out in front of them. I still don’t quite get it. I know it’s a survival thing to not care about everything they see.
But just because we don’t know how to fix it doesn’t mean it’s not wrong.
I wonder at the responses adults (I qualify as one, which is a little weird to me) have to complicated and seemingly-unfixable situations: We have no idea what to do and so instead of something we do nothing. More specifically, we do whatever it takes to obscure that uncomfortable situation from our view. We get really good at this.
It makes the narcissists job much easier. You don’t really want to see it. You don’t want to be needed to confront an ugly abuse situation. You don’t want to sacrifice yourself to believe women/children/the powerless because it will discredit you too. You don’t want to talk about knotty social issues because of what you see happening to people who do. Humans are so frustrating. Are we all terrible? Are we all good?