My little world seems to be spinning. Much less “power with a purpose” and rather more tectonic; “let’s create some mountains here and blow ash all over the whole thing, just cover this sphere with soot and sparks and pieces of the ground that work much better ON THE GROUND than in the air.” If there is such a thing as a Mother Nature of my Consciousness that is what ey would be saying.
Only a tiny portion of this chaos is from recent medicinal changes and external unrelated problems that lurk around my mind’s edges. I’m trying to prioritize my recovery but my Avoidance is strong and it feels like I’m battling Avoidance more than anything else.
I know my perception of my world being thrown into disarray is a reaction to the progress I’m making but we’re at that point where it still feels like I’ve made everything much worse and there’s no way to fix it. I’ll never get out! I’m paralyzed with indecision! I’ll be trapped in here with everything I hate! I’M A MONSTER!!!
I need to come up with a way to talk about my Avoidance like it is a person. It feels very adversarial right now. Self-Sabotage, Self-Hate, Avoidance, Perfectionism, etc. These are old friends recently renamed from the folder marked “Defense Mechanism/Coping Strategy”. As close as I can tell, I was abused (such a good blanket term for such specific and horrible things) since before I was aware of life. Intellectually I can describe the psychological ways that my brain used to deal with the pain; I can talk about “identity formation” and how it gets f*cked up when you can’t run from danger; We could even have a discussion about how trauma effects the physiology of developing bodies and the worldview of developing minds. But none of that knocks a hole through to my feelings. None of those things really make me feel safe or loved or better.
It’s like I’m having to destroy all the carefully formed things about myself because they were really all about abuse. And those are the only things in my life that I’ve built. Those terrible coping strategies are my only legacy at this point. They are literally the only thing that is mine.
So there’s that.