Surface

All day this feeling of drowning has been crashing over me and subsiding. The world feels quavery and blue. Anywhere I look, I see the surface of water from underneath; sunlight filtered through filmy squares, a slow motion delay when I move, a feeling of quiet and helplessness.

I spend time each wave wondering if it’s a memory or a feeling or a dream…but since my brain is so distracted by pain, eventually the moment passes and I can’t catch onto the thought trail.

I can tell that my words aren’t as cohesive; my thoughts more clipped and disjointed. I am this way on this pain and I’ve made my peace with that. I still make no offer of peace to the pain itself.

I am experiencing the drowning and I just know it happened at least once. My eldest sibling used to hold us under all the time. How did I forget that? I guess I learned to just submit and take it and be calm. I remember one time he teamed up with a buddy and I tried to submit and they held me down anyway until my body’s need for air overcame my attempt at submission. It was reflexive and they were still stronger than me. Helpless. Hopeless. I’m going to die. **** Parental platitudes trying to calm me down. The requisite dissonance and repression followed as a survival necessity.

Jesus.


My friend that I went to visit suggested a mantra that helped her:
I matter. What I need matters. Repeat ad infinitum.

I matter. What I need matters.
I matter. I need air and that’s okay.
I matter. What I need matters.
I matter. It’s okay to need things.
I matter. What I need matters.
I matter. What I need matters.
I matter. What I need matters.

It is helpful.

I am not okay right now.

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