Spree

I ate Spree candy yesterday. The day before that I had “Throwback” (yep, it says throwback on the box) Runts candies. And for the past month I’ve been drinking dark soda with caffeine. This is weird because usually I stick with tea or maybe a root beer every once in awhile. I have been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the last week. In Baltimore I actually was at a nice restaurant by the bay and the menu had a section “for kids and kids at heart” and I just really wanted to try All. Of. It. So I did. I tried everything. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, waffle bites with syrup, and the most beautiful grilled cheese sandwich I’ve ever seen. I forget if there was anything else. Lot’s of amazing coffee. But the best part was that my friend was with me in person.

She sees me and loves me even when I’m sobbing, or late, or slow, or depressed. When I look in her eyes, I see the me that she sees. The me that she sees has magic. The person in my eyes might be drowning that day, but she still sees a worthy human. She knows that I belong on this plane of existence, she doesn’t ever question my right to exist and take up space; my friend is magic. When I see my reflection in her eyes, it is me. It’s a worthy and wonderful person. It’s as if I can see the nugget of me that is real but I don’t have to have everything figured out. She reaffirms my hope that I can recover, that the person I will be after going through the grinder will still be recognized as me.

The leftovers from my kid’s menu spree were eaten at a rest stop between Baltimore and home. And they tasted totally different. They were still yummy, they just weren’t Baltimore. Good memories are precious and worth savoring.