(end of Sept)
I have spent much of my self so I can recover myself. I’m getting better. I can sometimes feel my emotions now without having to defend them first! That’s a big step for me.
A lot of things are going on around me and I notice them as they whiz past; like party buses (very unique party buses) on a highway. Meanwhile, I’m over here with a broken hip, a flat tire, whichever metaphor. I’m learning so much and making progress (exciting!) and trying very much to accept that life will never be controlled and predictable and kind. Life and Time do not kneel for me. I will sometimes sleep peacefully and it’s amazing. I wake up earlier, I feel better, my organs do their jobs better. I wonder what the hell the other me was doing all that time on other days. Other me seems really stupid to me when I’m ‘on’. If I could just switch to sleeping the same right way every night I would be a sparkling star: That’s me!
A big part of me still believes that I’m just a terrible. If I was any good, I’d be able to force myself to stay in a pattern/schedule for sleep/life. I know that’s not right, but it’s in there really deep: that idea that evil people can’t control themselves and righteous people can: Allergies, pains, menses, bug bites, sweat. Try harder! Your will is WEAK! You have brought me dishonor on purpose! No one will talk to you until I finish punishing you! If you can’t stay still for ten whole minutes, I’ll just keep resetting the clock until you make it to ten. No bathroom! Don’t you get it? Control! Control! DO. NOT. MOVE. You are in charge and you are telling your body to make my life more difficult! Quit it! Don’t be weak about this, a ‘girl’ WOULD do this on purpose because you’re weak and immature and can’t handle basic tasks. I can’t trust you if you can’t control your own body. I guess this means you need to stay inside until you earn my trust and prove to me that you can be reliable. I don’t CARE if your back hurts! This punishment is not supposed to be comfy! Your feelings don’t matter, they just prove that I’m right to be harsh with you. You’re too soft, too female; I guess you don’t want anything to drink tonight. I’ll take dinner away too! It would be your own fault. I can tell you don’t mean that! I’m not convinced! Do you realize how selfish you are being to take up so much of my time today! *my tears ignored at best, mocked at worst* Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about! You are such a burden on this family. Nonsense special food and weird pains…I know you are doing it on purpose! You need more control. Your mother will get in trouble for this because it happened on her watch! She must be doing a terrible job being all forgiving and lenient. She is such a FEMALE! If I can’t trust her to punish you EVERY TIME and WITH MY INTENSITY then maybe I can’t ever trust her to be with you kids by herself. Is that what you’re saying? You need me to chaperone you every day forever?! That is a really terrible thing to imply about your mother! Clearly something is not happening and it’s her fault. But you! You are old enough to remember everything! There’s a chart. This is Sunday, my biggest work day! And you embarrassed me at my job! All the people need to know that my children are NOT evil! They need my example to follow and if you mess that up for me we will be out on the street! Do you want to do that to me???
My brainwashing was very thorough. I was so young, and I had nowhere to run. I enjoy feelings of pride and accomplishment as much as I possibly can. Like just now, the above memory was horrible and brought back several very tense scenes, but I definitely have improved because they did not bother me as much this time through.It’s still not okay, but I am learning. The terrible memories seem to hold less importance in my life. Good. I’m ready for something unpredictable.
I also might get a tattoo.