IDK

Really though, someday I’m gonna die.
It’s the reason people do things.
Is it the only reason?

---

I like unanswered questions.

That moment when you are working with other people, all thinking on the same problem, knowing we spiral out from there with our own processes; infinitely alone and together at the same point – and you catch eyes with someone else in the room when you both thought the same thing: “I don’t know”. And you both look around and see that you all know it together. This is a crucial step to solving things. We all just saw our own precariousness on this life boat and realized how much we need other people while feeling the most isolated we’ve ever imagined.

That’s it! That’s the thing I love.

It’s so honest. I don’t know. It’s so beautiful.
It’s so intimate.

It’s…
…my life.

---

I know my purpose is to offer that moment to others. It’s the best kind of instruction and the most exciting form of life. Science and neurology and quantum entanglement all at once acting on us whether we acknowledge them or not. It’s as beautiful and predictable as nighttime; and as precarious and tedious as deep space measurements.

I’m so excited.

 

And still something inside of me whispers “you can’t” “worthy of work? you?” “get your eyes back down where they belong” “this isn’t woman’s work” “you disappoint me” “who told you you were worth anything?” and I recognize the origins as patriarchal yet they sound mostly like myself.
And I look around and see that no one is there. I don’t know how to recover from this, but I didn’t know how to recover from anything before last year.
Thirteen months later I have certainly made progress.
How? Why?
So many answers. An infinity of things I don’t know. Always an infinity.
I find this comforting.
I hope you do to.