It took a week to understand what I started to believe that day.

I’m dealing with panic that’s getting out of control again. I’m barreling downhill and my internal self is sort of accelerating the progress it wants. Expects?

I am panicking because I don’t think I want to go that fast. I don’t think I can! So I’m standing in my own way. But it’s not stemming the tide, it’s creating an extremely pressurized internal situation. How do I stop fighting it? How do I let go without letting go? Whoa, slow down!

I am just having breakthroughs left and right. It’s very uncomfortable. And I need sleep.

I don’t want to be out of control. But I’m not in control. I need courage to live inside of moments I can’t control. To live through those moments. To live through – alongside the march of time. How do I catch my breath?! I don’t even know how to move forward and breathe at the same time!

I am brave. I get up every day now and I will keep getting up because I believe life is possible. I could be a couple of bits inside a program, or part of a tiny parasite that contains worlds. There are many many versions of my life and iterations of the universe we could marinate our brains in, coming up with options, arguements, statistics, paranormals, etc. But you should assume I’ve already done enough of that. How much research do you deem “enough research”? What credentials do you deem good enough? When do I earn personhood in your eyes?

What the hell can I even do to affect your opinion of me? What can I even do to change my opinion of myself?

I’m not really in control of anything, am I?

There’s no replacement for NOW. Nothing comes close.

I find Now an infuriating mix of presence and movement; a balance of balance; a compromise in idealism.

Is it okay if I …?

Is it really okay…

Do I want it to be.

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