Is this what it’s like to be alive? Strutting through minutes and moments without wondering at my ability to do so. Sliding back and forth through seconds as if they are skaters on the same pond and we accidentally move in tandem. If I get better than I even am right now someday I may feel more than alive! Skating on the pond in combination with all the hours and seconds and days ice dancing while Being; while time “passes”. Alive is when time does not pass me, I pass with time; we move together. My equation can never be unequal e=mc^2 but this, This Here, feels like I’m not dead; I’m moving faster than I was and so time feels slower. It feels like I’m rich with time, I can do things and the ease leaves me speechless. This is still just a morsel of what is happening. I can’t describe it. Fully. Full. Is this fullness? I’ve never been inside the fullness of time before! Maybe I was long ago and will remember it someday. Maybe someone stole my body. My time moved and I did not – it felt like dying. A chronic failing too extreme to feel. Too much for me. It was too much for me to handle. The damage is not a tool that sharpens the damaged. It does not create something beautiful and good. Damage cannot create. It destroys. It razes. It is an insatiable fire that no one else sees; only you! and they say it isn’t there. They say it’s not so bad. They say anything empty to comfort themselves because what you are, what you carry, is too hard to look at. It’s a human thing: wanting to believe the things that make us feel safe. But I find myself outside those glass houses. I throw rocks.
Published by chloe88blog
My memory is incomplete. I experienced trauma in my childhood that effects the way I deal with life. For years I have been struggling to find solutions to my pain and dysfunction. I am getting help.